the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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