Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
