he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
