mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
