oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
