my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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