let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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