it's great music for shaving your balls
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
