I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
