somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
