Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
