There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
