it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
