I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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