What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
