imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
