If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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