shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
