I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
