peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ketchup is God's man juice
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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