he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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