There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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