Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
