I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
