I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
