Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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