She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
