Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
