shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
