I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
