Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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