My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
