and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
