I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
