listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
