You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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