and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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