I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
