just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
