I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
