I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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