Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
