I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
