I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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