Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
