currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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