Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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