Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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