How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
