That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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