I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
