Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
