An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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